Domo. :D

@#$%^&#$@!

to hell with trying to do maths at 02:39am
in the morning.
cant do nuts.
and my brain feels airy.

yes i know.
i havent really been trying hard enough.
yes i know im using excuses to cover my butt.
i will improveeeeee... T.T

just let me pass this damn mid term and i swear
i will work harder.
spend less time slacking.
spend less time stoning and thinking about
stuff i shouldnt even be bothered about,
about ppl i shouldnt think about.

i just seem to be attention deficit whenever
i reach lectures.
Tutorials are not so bad.
but lectures.
the moment i concentrate,
the next moment im asleep.
but when im slacking off and fb-ing,
i never feel the drowsyness.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
what has happened to meee.):
i need to FOCUS.
FOCUS. DAMN IT.):

i tink i was living in self denial for the past week.

HAHAHAHA.

i really like to do that alot.

hell knows why.

but today.

i half stepped out of self-denial.

i no longer believed what i WANTED to believe.

i saw the truth for itself.

i saw how important i was.

how much and mattered.

and concluded i didnt matter at all.

contrary to what i believe.

it hurts yeh.

but at least im not being self delusional.

i freaking went through this TWICE.

and why is this so?

because i keep falling for the same type of ppl.

and it finally dawned on me when ppl TELL u

how impt u are, it may not be true.

they have to show u how impt u are.

cause if ur so impt,

they wun mia for 3 mths,

wun make u wait for so long,

wun do all sorts of crap to make u upset.

words dont matter anymore.

words can lie.

actions can lie.

truth never lies.

i admit i was blind.

but now im wearing specs.

i can see better.

or maybe wearing specs is of no use cause

it probably hurts too much for me to

want to be into anything again.

yes i always say that.

we shall see then,

but now.

it hurts.YEH.

went for ice cream buffet today.(:

so happy to see so much chocolateeeeeeee! :3

made my day happIER.

but too much ice cream also can full one.LOL.

i ate 2 bowls then K.O alrrrrr....T.T

cannot eat anymore.

cause partly too full.

partly cause too cold.

brrrr....

i was freeezing while i ateeee.

if u ever see this my fren,

thanks for freezing with me in swensens.

thanks for enjoying the ice cream buffet with me,

in the process making my day.

because not everyone shares my love for ice cream.

or would sacrifice their diet plans to eat with me.

thanks for hearing me complain.

and walking with me like dunno how MANY rounds

around ION waiting for the buffet to start.

THANKS my emo auntie.

rmbr what i said.

im on 24/7 standby for u.(:

- ur emo ahma. -

我会学会忘记。

因为我突然觉得你不值得

我去伤心难过。

因为到头来，

伤心难过的，

从来都不是你。

只有我自己。

我很容易忘记我的不开心，

不快乐。

因为我学会催眠自己。

可是每当我一个人搭巴士，

和自己独处时，

这些伤心难过都会涌回来。

也不知道为什么。

即时我一直阻止自己去想。

可是好像都没有用。

我不想再去想它了。

我感觉不到自己的心跳。

finally.
its over.
took so long to think about
whether it is the right thing.
whether i would unintentionally hurt him.
whether i can take it on my own from now on.

and when i was msging.
i was clenching my fist the whole time.
but after all these.
i just feel this sense of calm.
as if whatever happened didnt have an impact on me,
or maybe i have a prolonged response.
and its not coming yet.
i hope not.
exams are coming. HAIS.

and after all these,
i realised.
maybe im the only one caring after all.
im the only one worrying if im hurting him.
when its probably the other way round instead.
i have never seen such a calm reaction
to such a msg before.
its as if i didnt matter.
or never did anyway.

i didnt cry at all.
until lalamon's msg that is.
then after i regained myself.
i didnt feel anything anymore.
maybe im still numb.
or maybe my brain's reflex is to not care.
not to bother at the moment.
cause if it does.
it may hurt too much.

i should stop blogging everyday.
spend some time to mug.
to do things productively.

Jenny - Click 5

She calls me baby, then she won't call me.
Says she adores me and then ignores me.
Jenny, what's the problem?
She keeps her distance and sits on fences.
Puts up resistance and builds defenses.

Jenny, what's the problem?
You leave me hanging on the line.
Every time you change your mind.

First You say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny, it's killing me.

She needs her own space. She's playing mind games.
Ends up at my place saying that she's changed.
Jenny, what's the problem?
I'm trying to read between the lines.
You got me going out of my mind.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny, it's killing me. It's killing me. It's killing me.
Jenny.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny. It's killing me. It's killing me. Jenny.

i pity the ppl i keep ranting at.

and my life is so sad. im forever ranting. O.o

and forever pulling myself into a vicious cycle.

cause after i rant.

i will feel bad having burdened the person

with my emos and rants.

and i feel even more emo. O.O

so in the first place i should stop emoing.

having problems sleeping nowadays.

maybe that explains the later and later sleeping hours.

cause i prolong the process of getting to bed.

totally shagged today.

due to the term paper.

not in a fantastic mood due to certain people.

tmr go canoe polo.

too last min. so cant go.

at least i get to follow my original plan and mug.LOL.

so not so bad ba. :3

mugggg mugggg muggggg.

i predict

tmr will be a sad day.

for some reason.

i hope i dont end up crying.

i wenttttttt to cut hair todayyyyyyy.

HAHA.

supposed to go to chapter 2 to cut.

but ended up at QB house cause i needed to go for tuition.

then in the end something happened cannot go.

oh wellsss.

and i tink i screwed up my fringe.O.O

oh well. wait for it to grow out lor.

its always the case.

i dont tink i ever had a good hair day since the nice haircuts i had in sec 4.

T.T

but those my mum doesnt like.

cause looks too bung.

oh wellsss.

yesh im blogging at a freaking 5am in the morn.O.O

im going to look like a panda tmr.

i hope i can wake up.

or maybe i should just stay awake till 8.HAHA.

3 more hrs to go.

i can start clearing stuff also.(:

if i owe lalamon anymore kopis he can form a

mountain out of it alr.

sooner or later the kopi mountain will become

a mudpie mountain.

then really can go and die.

x.x

i really like the sociology module im doing.

yes i ponned several lectures cause i cant wake up on time.

wed really causes me to burn out.

but i really like the mod.

like the tut classes.

it causes me a headache after that,

i can actively feel my brain cells parachuting off my brain.

but i like the feeling i get when i study this mod.

the thought processes i have to go through to understand

what the lecturer is saying.

i think its pretty cool.

and today i almost died doing the term ppr.

but i still like the mod.(:

and writing the essay.

i just didnt like quoting... #_#

thats exactly what i look like now.HAHAHA.

i suddenly feel the vibes coming.

the mugging spirit.YEHHHH.

i hope i can continue though.

now is no time to start emo-ingggg.(:

tmr is surprise dayyyy.(:

woottttssss.(:

dont know why im blogging so much nowadays.

HAHA.

supposed to be doing work.

mugging.

catching up.

but i tend to drift off nowadays.

FARRRR too often.

lost my concentration level alr.HAIS.):

that day so happy i thought i regained my momentum to study alr.

went home alone today.

felt a bit zzzzz suddenly.

maybe its cause i got severe lack of sleep.

i feel tired but when i lie on my bed i cant seem to fall asleep.

this strangely resembles 2 plus months ago.

i dont want to go thru the same shit thing again.

then i can afford to. i have no sch.

if i try that stint now.

MUAHAHAHA.

i will burn out damn soon.

maybe i havent really recover yet.

OH shrugs.lol.

this kind of thing also not so easy recover from one.

not like flu.

got no medicine.HAHA.

just dont like to do stuff alone now.

oh well.

have to learn to get thru this.

i will be fine soon.

i hope.

no more emo-ing about this.

YEHHHHHH. :3

im still wondering whether should i wait.

or rather, whether it is worth it.

prob not.

i dont like to be in complicated situations.

this is an example of a VERY complicated situation.

i just want to get it over and done with.

is it that difficult to achieve?

sometimes i wonder if im only doing it to myself.

as a form of self blame.

doing it to compensate the wrong things,

the mean things, the not very nice things i have done.

not that i wanna treat myself this way.

more like my conscience is weighing on me.

i should stop blogging.

the frequency of my posts depict the extent of my emo.LOL.

im starting to feel the solititude again whenever i am alone,

going home, going to sch.

going around.

i used to think i got over being alone already.

learning to take it in my stride.

suddenly,

it feels like the fear of being alone has come back again.

maybe its cause i am scared i will start to tink too much,

start to ponder about things i dont have the energy nor

the strength to care about.

so im starting to be scared of being on my own again.

scared of my own thoughts.

but i probably get through this in due time.

just hope the process doesnt take too loonnnnggg. T.T

at least today i feel a hint of the motivation to do work.

on my own today after jm and lalamon and shen went off for eng mod.

i actually sat down and took the time to complete my lab programming.

so rare.

i sat down for like 2 hrs consistently working.

felt so shiok after that.

today is a good mugging day.(:

didnt do much work but did enough to make me happy. :D

hope this continues on thur.(:

MUGG MUGGGGG MUGGGGGGG.(:

i decided i dont really wanna care.

no energy no time no spare strength to be affected by this.

and i suddenly realise its really not worth it.

not worth my cap from not mugging properly.

not worth my sleep.

not worth my time.

maybe i should listen to elina.

or maybe not.

i am totally left speechless today.
i was fine all morn, fine all afternoon, even through tuition.
but the moment i called elina i could feel myself tearing.
why the trigger i also dunno.
maybe its cause i know that she can feel my pain.

i get the same feeling again.
the same as a few months ago.
the irritation/hurt i feel totally leaving me speechless.

what can i say?
what can i do?
nothing.
thats what.
and thats exactly why it hurts.
oh well.
wait.
just brilliant.
brilliant idea.

sian.
i need some motivation to mug.
some momentum to keep me going.
maybe i should mug in sch everyday if i have the chance.
mug on sat.
at least clear some work.
MUGGGGGGG.

frisbee was fun.(:
even though we lost.
and only scored one point, but it was fun.
exhilarating to play, to sweat.(:
and happy to have so many ppl shouting "GO SOC!"
some small thing that really made my day today.
even though its not exactly a fantastic day.

completed my lab3.(:
YAY!!!(:

been pretty distracted these few days.
cant really sleep properly either.
lucky lalamon has been understanding even though i keep
pang sei-ing him cause i wake up late.
HAIS.
yes i know its mean.
pang sei-ing ppl early in the morn.
isnt that why i owe him kopi?

but i guess its about time this thing blows over.
no more spare energy to care, to be bothered
to be upset about.
i need to start mugging really really soon.
everyone else is still on the boat travelling on day one.
only im left hanging behind the boat on a life jacket.
doesnt prevent me from sinking.
so i have to stop myself from sinking.
need to start concentrating and focus-ing on my studies.

i suddenly feel this sense of calmness even though a lot
of ppl are starting to panic.
i dunno if its good or bad.
but i just realised i lost my sense of direction.
i dunno what im working towards,
what im working for.
is it for myself, for dad, for what?
i seem to be so clear of it before i entered sch.
and 1 mth into sch, i totally lost my sense of direction.

JIAYOU! gambatte!

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, you're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just, just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it won't be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what you're keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

totally feeling down in the dumps today.
consecutive suayness i believe.oh well.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what?s waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith